Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
