On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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