I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
