farters have to be the big spoon...
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
