I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
