I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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