Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
