Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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