There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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