Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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