im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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