it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
