I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
