if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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