i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
The air taste purple.
Randomize
