Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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