Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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