I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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