Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
