Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
