Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
