fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he shaved USA in his pubs
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
