it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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