Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
