were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
