so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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