I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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