Please, let me fuck your mom
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I deserve to be covered in dicks
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
