I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
