Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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