Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
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