Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
