Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
