we have pet lesbian snakes
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
