I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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