It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
