I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
