best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize