I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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