We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize