Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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