Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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