Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
