mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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