i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
