i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
