You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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