The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
