I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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