I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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