The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Randomize
