I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I want her autograph on my taint
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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