i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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