babies were throwing up all over the place
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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