last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
