I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
