She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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