I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize