He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
