Jerry, you need to find god
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
