he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
This toilet bowl is my home.
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