I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
