A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
